This week, E and Stuart are away on a vacation visiting the Florida grandparents. We did this because as Alice and Stuart get older, what they want to do and what they can do has become more divergent. In addition, we know that Stuart can often get the short end of the stick because of his sister’s disabilities. To address that, some time with his grandparents without his sister will make a difference. Alice and I are together and we needed a way to give Alice some more incentive to be better behaved. I won’t say well-behaved because quite honestly, her baseline is pretty good.
These days, Alice very often thinks with her stomach. So for her a big reward is going to a restaurant. So we picked Friday for that as a possible reward. The problem is that you don’t want something like that to be a go/no go situation. That makes it high stakes and that ends up being hard on everyone. E has used tiered rewards in the past and that has worked well. I’m doing a variant on that. I made a set of cards for Alice, each acting as a rubric for the day:
Her 6 goals per day are:
- Not yours? No touch.
- No baby TV
- Shower – no playing
- No bickering
- No sneaking
- Follow directions
Now, I don’t really like this list. Typically you want these goals to be written in the positive not a negative, but I was tired and Alice is OK with it. Most of these goals are a challenge for her, but she’s capable of all of them. No sneaking sounds odd, but it’s not. It means no sneaking food and no sneaking downstairs to watch TV. I’ve tiered it so that she needs to get at least 4 checks on a card. If she does, then I put a check on our menu list. If she gets 4 checks, on Friday she can pick a restaurant and we’ll go eat dinner there. If she gets 3 checks, I’ll pick the restaurant. If she gets 2 checks, we get take out. If she gets 1 or fewer, just a regular meal at home.
If you do this with your kids, you should expect that either the first day or the second day will be a total bust. I don’t know why this is. Maybe on day one, the kids are just acting on novelty and on day two they decide to screw the boundary just to make sure it’s really there and then when they see that it’s their choice to make things succeed, they turn around.
Day 1 was great. Day 2? Not so much. In fact, Alice botched almost all of them. When we finished the review, and she was very honest about it, she said “It’s OK, I do better tomorrow.” And honestly, this was one of the most wonderful things she could say. She didn’t dwell on not getting the checks, she turned to what she needed to do in the future. A younger Alice would have tried to check the boxes when I wasn’t looking.
Of course, she started today by trying to sneak TV while I was showering, but she owned up to it and we went over the rules again. We’ll see how it turns out.
Reward earned and enjoyed.